Raising A Mensch - A Human Being

"I’m not opposed to a child being polite or neat or learned. The crucial question for me is: What methods have been used to accomplish these ends? If the methods used are insults, attacks, and threats, then we can be very sure that we have also taught this child to insult, to attack, to threaten, and to comply when threatened.

“If, on the other hand, we use methods that are humane, then we’ve taught something much more important than series of isolated virtues. We’ve shown the child how to be a person – a mensch, a human being who can conduct his life with strength and dignity.”…

“Liberated Parents, Liberated Children – Your Guide to a Happier Family” by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

Liberating Language

The way we use language can liberate parenting. The right kind of language can build self esteem, inspire confidence and encourage responsibility. I discovered that by modifying my language to deal with mishaps, 'misbehaviour' (a word I despise) and feelings resulted in dramatic changes in the reactions from my children. Here are some examples from Liberated Parents, Liberated Children:

 "the milk spilled, we need a sponge" instead of "now look what you did"

 "walls are not for writing on. Paper is for writing on" instead of "bad boy! No more crayons for you"

 "a scratch can hurt" instead of "stop crying. It's only a scratch"

 " I see a purple house, a red sun and a stripy sky" instead of "that painting is beautiful, you're a great artist". Praise is wonderful but where can a child go from 'beautiful' and 'great'. Words that evaluate hinder a child.

Resolving Rudeness with Books

My son can often be 'rude'. It is usually when he is feeling excited or impatient but can be when he is stressed or anxious. Reading stories about 'rude' characters that show how a situation may be resolved might help. However, Owen's rudeness is often directed towards adults that have been 'rude' to him or unfair to him. I also am aware that rudeness is cultural and often moralistic and I am becoming increasingly aware that moralistic parenting does not encourages insincerity.

The Elephant and the Baby Baby by Elfrida Vipont

The Three Little Wolves and the Big Bad Pig by Eugenios Trivizas and Helen Oxenbury

Princess, Princess by Penny Dale

Second hand books can be purchased from Abe Books

The Link Between Behaviour & Emotions

A good friend of mine who regularly comments on this blog suggested that I investigate a more creative approach to "managing behaviour". She doesn't feel the term behaviour management is appropriate because the word behaviour is mainly attached to "good" and "bad" and management implies "supervision". The articles I have read demonstrate a strong link between behaviour and emotions. This is backed up by the results of my behavioral diary which showed undesired behaviour being triggered by anger, stress, worry, disappointment and jealously. Therefore, it would make sense that behavior (both desired and undesired) is an outlet for emotions.

I regard myself as "autistic-ish" which has gifted me with many abilities neurotypical people do not have. But I think it has left me less able to understand my own emotions. This presents me with a complex problem if I am to emotionally educate my own children. Emotions are divided into four main categories: Glad, Sad, Mad and Scared. Whilst I support my children's Glad emotions I think I am guilty of trying to "fix" my children's Sad, Mad or Scared emotions through discipline or distraction. Owen and Anya should understand that emotions are not bad. I plan to support my kids in identifying their emotions and help them to understand and respond to their feelings in an "acceptable" way. I am going to try the following strategies to help them identify, explore and understand their emotions.

Emotion Worksheets

Working with Images (Help The Aged, Salvation Army, RSPCA, NSPCC)

Feelings Meters/Barometers

Books for Exploring Emotions

Talking Circles, Talking Sticks & Children

I have decided to try an introduce a Native American Talking Circle to resolve problems and discuss family matters. The idea is we sit in a circle listening to the person who holds a talking stick. The person that hold the stick is allowed to speak for as long as they wish without being interrupted. (In native American culture is is rare that people talk for too long but due to my kids tendency to indulge in long monologues I am going to restrict there talking using an egg timer.) Once they are finished talking the stick will be passed to the next person. Hopefully, this will make the kids feel more secure that they will be listened to without someone butting in.